As I was walking home, listening to some Steel Panther, Bloodhound Gang, Offspring, and Beethoven on my iPhone (it was on shuffle), I started thinking about my time in China. In just 1 month, I'll have been in Dalian, China for 4 years; and in just 24 short hours, I'll have been at my current job for 3 years. My current job took up most of my thoughts, since I try hard to forget that first year I spent teaching in China, and I started to wonder if it was all worth it. I'm not the kind of person who likes to toot his own horn, but I've given this place a lot ... a lot of hard work, and a lot of free time ... and I've got very little from it. True, I'm not low man on the pole anymore, but I'm no where near as high up as some of the people I gave new hire training to and did a lot more than most all of them above me. It kind of makes me wonder if it's all been worth it. I know there are things holding me back, some I could probably change, and others that are just me. The two biggest obstacles are A) my complete inability to learn another language, including Chinese; B) my inability to bite my tongue when I see something wrong.

Most people hear me say that I cannot learn other languages and just attribute it to me being a "lazy" American. Well, it's not like I haven't tried. I studied Spanish in high school for a year and half, and I can barely remember any of it; took a semester of French in college, I know how to ask "Do you speak English?" which is a stupid question because if you ask in English and they don't understand, you've got your answer; and I've made at least 2 serious efforts to learn Chinese in the 4 years I've been here ... I've managed to pick up a pretty "dirty" vocabulary, but can't put words together to make a sentence, let alone a conversation. I think a lot of the problem is I just really never liked talking to people when I was younger. I was always happiest sitting alone, reading a book, playing video games, or walking/biking/driving around, solo, trying to find new places in the tiny little haven I call home. Being a person who got used to not really talking a whole lot, I just never found the need to learn English well (which you can probably tell by some of my writing), let alone other languages. Anyway, I'm going to take a crack at Chinese again sometime in the near future, but I don't know if I'll be able to muster up the enthusiasm required for an endeavor of this sort.

The first point, I might be able to change, the second, there's no way in hell. I was raised to express my opinion and trained in 13 years of work experience before coming to China that if you see something wrong, tell someone. This attitude "problem" has caused me and my boss/coworkers, to butt heads on several occasions. They all seem to just want to go with the flow, it's a top down country, after all, so what is said at the top is irrefutably correct, no matter how absurd it really is. Don't get me wrong, I've really enjoyed most of my managers and almost all of my coworkers, but I just can't get over how there is absolutely no discussion about stuff that really needs discussed. Well, I shouldn't so "absolutely no discussion" because there is quite a bit of discussion, but it's just that ... talk ... and it never leads to anything (seems its done more in the Winter than the Summer ... possibly as a "green" heating source ). I know some things take a while to get put into motion, some things will never change, and some things just require a lot of discussion, but I've been to essentially the same meeting 6 weeks in a row (same topic, same arguments, same replies), and nothing ever came of it. Anyway, this attitude of mine has definitely kept me from moving up any further, and it's something I've been asked to work on, I just don't see it as something that can be readily changed. There is an old saying and nearly every language/culture has a similar saying, "You can't teach old dogs new tricks." While I'm not old (32), I have been working a certain way long enough that it will take considerable effort, and time, to change from an "we're all in this together" work attitude to a "you're all here to do what I tell you" attitude.

All in all, I have enjoyed the experience, learned a lot, added a new skill set to my repertoire and made a bunch of really good friends that I will remember forever. Looking to future ... well, if you know me, you know I don't like to do that ... so I'll just end this with a toast (join me if you'd like, though you'll probably read this long after I've finished my Bud) ... oh hell, I'm horrible at toasts, so "干杯!!!"